Standing Up for Ourselves
You'd think by now, we'd be adept at telling everyone to go f**k themselves. But sometimes, we just can't figure out what to say. Medical gaslighting presents one of those challenges.
Most of the time, I’d like to think that I’m old enough to stand up for myself and not be sidelined by a nervy question or a nasty comment. I’d like to think I wouldn’t let anyone else be capable of riling my emotions. (Besides, I’m a Libra, and Libras stand for fairness and justice in the world.)
But sadly, that doesn’t always prove to be the case. Older doesn’t always teach you the lessons you need to put people in their place.
Sure, sometimes, there’s that golden moment - yes! I want to hug myself, pat myself on the back in congratulatory slaps! - I’m quick on my feet and can think of a clever response. (By the way, here’s a really effective response when someone asks you a deeply personal question that is none of their business: “Why do you ask?”)
But those moments die hard; usually because emotions take over and prevent our tongues from getting unstuck. And as we all know, if emotions are powerful enough to make us feel sick inside (and sometimes even make us legitimately ill), they’re powerful enough to drown out any semblance of logical thought.
And then, of course, once you get home/remove yourself from the situation/wake up in the middle of the night, you come up with the perfect response and think: Why couldn’t I have thought of that when i needed it???? Where was all this wisdom then??
There are so many times in our lives where we are caught by surprise; caught off-guard and rattled by some else’s behavior. Sometimes it happens so fast we don’t even realize what hit us.
Take medical gaslighting. Unfortunately quite prevalent; I’m sure most of us have experienced having our concerns dismissed by a medical professional.
Medical gaslighting first happened to me before the term “gaslighting” became popular. It was 1989, soon after my diagnosis with breast cancer. The diagnosis shook me to my core. I was afraid of everything. I was so young (34), with two young toddlers, feeling like I might not be able to count on growing older and seeing my two boys grow up.
At my annual OB-GYN visit, tearful and feeling vulnerable, I told my doctor I was so frightened; scared of being diagnosed with another type of reproductive cancer. His response: “Oh, your chances of getting hit by a bus are much greater!”
I slunk out of his office, feeling embarrassed, small and insignificant. Was I really wrong to feel this way? I craved sympathy and compassion, but instead felt foolish, frustrated, confused and angry. Was he even listening to anything I said??
Here’s how the American Psychological Association defines “gaslighting:”
“To manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.”
Bingo. I was gaslit.
Tongue-tied. Punched-in-the-gut hurting. But then, I took action, which supplied me with the words - albeit silent ones - I needed: I changed doctors.
Gaslighting pushed me to change providers and find the right fit: a doctor who listened to, and addressed my concerns without any judgement and was able to provide the empathy and attention I needed (and deserved). Her words: “Anything it takes to help you feel more comfortable and safe within reason, I will do.”
Medical gaslighting, more than taking an emotional on the patient, can delay a diagnosis and subsequent treatment, cause a misdiagnosis, and even cost a patient her life.
Take heart attacks. Women’s complaints are usually met with gaslighting, and studies show that women often wait longer for a diagnosis than do men. Rather than be taken seriously, many times women’s complaints are dismissed, because the chest pain that a woman may feel is not always felt as severely as it is felt by men. Women’s symptoms may not even include chest pain, but instead, pressure or tightness - and those feelings may not be particularly severe, either. Symptoms of heart attacks differ in women because oftentimes the types of blockages differ.
Medical gaslighting doesn’t always just involve being dismissed. It can also happen when you’re constantly interrupted by your provider, or he or she doesn’t appear to be fully engaged in your conversation. They may appear to be hostile, rude or condescending and play down your symptoms, minimizing their impact or meaning. As a result, the provider may fail to order any, or the appropriate, key imaging tests or lab work that can rule out or confirm a diagnosis.
What can you do to protect yourself against being gaslit?
Keep detailed notes and records. Record your symptoms; what they feel like, how often they occur, and when you feel them.
If you have pain, take note of what it feels like; does it come and go, or is it steady? Are there things that make it better or worse?
Keep a log of any lab tests and imaging and their results.
Have a record of your medications.
Know your family medical history.
Ask questions. Preparing them ahead of time will help keep you organized and clear. (Remember, the average office visit is only 18 minutes - usually less. You need to be efficient and ready.)
Bring along a friend or family member for support. A second set of eyes and ears is always valuable.
And remember this: You always have the option to switch providers and/or get a second opinion. You know your body best, and you need to advocate for its future health and welfare.
For a Pause…
Just because you’ve passed through menopause, you still need to see your GYN for a yearly checkup. Here’s why.
If you choose to change medical providers, but you’re unsure of how to go about it, here’s something that might help.
Write it down. These journals will make note-taking easy.
Medical gaslighting is Insta-worthy. Sad but true. Isn’t it nice, in a way, to have support? #MeToo
One More Thing…
Where Gaslighting all began; not in the medical office, but at the movies.
Until next time, stay well. Stay healthy. Stay safe.
I was gaslight for 4 doctors until I found the good one. It was a sad experience to be dismissed for them, cause my poor use of the English language. But every time they did it, I changed them.
This hit home for me. I had the most amazing OB/GYN who makes you feel like you're her best friend every time... save one. I went in during perimenopause a couple of years ago, distraught with how I was feeling. I had many questions. She turned into an entirely different person when I mentioned menopause, almost dismissive. I was stunned by her demeanor. I cried in the car afterwards. It's taken two years, a lot of research, and I'm currently post-menopause; but now aware of certified menopause practitioners—where I will make my next appointment. We get this feeling our doctors know more than us and feel inadequate when they gaslight. Not anymore. We have options.